My not so picture perfect delivery

Another late night of watching my sweet baby girl sleep soundly beside me as I am scrolling through Instagram. It’s pretty routine by now, but tonight it is a little different. That tiny feeling of jealousy, guilt, and sadness runs through me once again just as I scroll down and see another picture perfect “after birth” picture. Y’all know the ones I am talking about. That perfectly made up woman smiling with her husband as they are holding their newly born baby. Perfect hair, perfect makeup, perfect delivery. Just 7 short weeks ago I had planned to be that woman. I had my makeup and hair fixed, my outfit planned for after birth (because of course no one wanted to wear that ugly hospital gown for longer than they have to), and had already planned that perfect picture of me and Sam holding our sweet baby. Just like life likes to do at times, my perfect delivery did not go as planned. I went in on that Sunday to be induced with plans of having a great delivery. I had a great pregnancy and absolutely loved every minute of it, so I figured delivery would be a breeze. I was wrong. My two goals were a healthy baby and an all natural birth. I also wanted to look great afterwards so that I could post that perfect picture on social media, and have everyone marvel at how wonderful I looked just after giving birth, and how beautiful my sweet girl was. Was that absolutely ridiculous looking back on it? Absolutely. But, every woman has that picture perfect delivery in their mind when they are pregnant regardless of whether they admit it or not. I had read all the articles on Pinterest about giving birth naturally and how it was healthiest for your baby and you, so of course I felt as if that was the only way for one to give birth.  All the perfect mom blogs I read had a natural birth and they talked about how great they felt afterwards and how happy they were to be able to give birth the “right way”. They even had the pictures to prove it! I was determined for my delivery to go that way as well. God looked down and laughed at me at that point I am pretty sure. I ended up having to having a C-Section which was absolutely the last thing I wanted and did not go along with my delivery plan. I got that beautiful and healthy baby girl, but I didn’t get that perfect birth that I so desperately wanted, and I will admit I was upset about it. The first few days after having Emerson I was jumble of emotions. I was happy and joyful at experiencing being a mama for the first time and loving on my sweet girl, but I was also miserable. It felt as if the whole lower half of my body was absolutely on fire every time I stood up or even tried to move. I could forget even trying to get up on my own. I spent the next two days of our stay in the hospital with my hair on top of my head, no makeup, and all those cute lounging outfits I special ordered and brought to wear? Yeah right. I wore that ugly hospital gown because it was to painful to put anything else on. Thank the Good Lord for a wonderful husband that took care of me and our brand new baby because at that point I felt incapable. I felt guilty for not being able to birth her naturally, and I felt cheated that I didn’t get to experience that feeling of actually birthing her. Mom guilt is a real thing y’all. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely adored my sweet girl and loved every minute of getting to know her, but in the back of my mind I was still upset. Here I am 7 weeks in and those feelings of disappointment have faded. I look back on that week of me having her and I don’t remember the pain or the heartache I felt at the thought of my perfect birth not going as planned. I remember seeing her for the first time over that blue sheet, and holding her in my arms and being amazed at how I could love something so tiny so much. I quickly realized that it didn’t matter how I had her or what I looked like afterwards, all that mattered was that she was healthy and happy. My “after birth picture” may look a little different than the so called “perfect” ones I see on Instagram and Pinterest, but I have learned that is okay. It is the perfect picture to me because it signifies the start of a new chapter in mine and Sam’s life. I am absolutely loving every single minute of being a momma. I love seeing those smiles, and I love the fact that she loves to be held and cuddled. I love watching her daddy and her together. I couldn’t ask for a more perfect and beautiful baby, and I am so thankful that God entrusted me and Sam with something so precious and perfect. I have to say, this chapter in our book of life has definitely been my favorite thus far. Maybe someone else needs to read this as well, or maybe it was just for me to let it out. Whatever the case, I have realized that those little details are not what really matters. It is okay for life to not be picture perfect. That is what makes it fun! What matters is being blessed enough to experience the birth of a healthy baby, and being blessed enough to be able to watch her sleep peacefully in her bassinet beside me.

First family picture!

Seeing our precious girl for the first time!

Before being induced. We were so excited!